Wednesday, August 10, 2011

A new poem, waiting for your input!

I mention this poem previously on this blog, but didn't do anything about it at the time. I believe that creativity must be nurtured, but must also be left alone at times.

I've written other poems in the time between back then and now, mostly on quite different subjects. Today though, I remembered that other poem and felt the need to finish it off and turn it from a few scrappy words into a properly formed poem.

It may not be completely finished, and I certainly welcome any feedback others may have to help this poem. At the moment I'm happy with the poem, but there's no telling how I'll feel about it tomorrow. I really feel I need feedback on it, and I hoping you will help me with it.



Ode to My Walker

It arrived one day, unheralded
left by the door as one might leave a note -
no note this, but a message still, unguarded
and protected by an invisible moat.
A sign of disability and loss,
walker used by the aged and infirm -
if I took it up, what would be the cost?
I hid it inside, the gift at first was spurned.

It stayed inside, unused, as I wandered through the house
one room to the next, general cleaning up
releasing hounds and letting them back in,
throwing out each unwanted mouse
then resting with computer and coffee cup -
my peaceful times a need and not a sin.

I was hiding it seems from what was there in front of me,
passed it many times, eyes averted and didn’t see
the thing that promised much to aid my fragile walking -
the walker had the news, but I didn’t hear it talking

But the walker now is in my car,
ready if I need it.
I’ve a hunger to follow my new life’s star,
the walker will help me feed it.


Allison and Simon said...

Hi Carolyn. This is definitely the beginnings of a good poem but I do think it needs more work. I think it would add power to talk more about tactile sensations - the act of touching it, feeling it, moving it, it's weight, it's coldness (particularly if it's made of metal).
I'm not sure if it's intentional, but I'm confused by the contradiction in the first stanza between "unguarded" and "protected".
I would remove "it seems" from stanza 3, L1. It waters the statement down and makes the line longer than necessary.
In Stanza 3, L4, I assume the "news" you are referring to is that you ARE disabled. I disagree that you didn't hear the news. I think you didn't WANT to hear the news, so like the 3 monkeys - stuck your fingers in your ears and over your eyes.
Stanza 4 could be a lot more powerful if once again, you tell us about the act of moving the frame to your car, rather than telling us it's already there. Keep to the present the whole way through your poem and keep us on the journey with you.
It would be good to come back at the end to the question you posed at the end of Stanza 1. Maybe you discover that the cost was in not using the walker, or some such other inner realisation.
You have an inner strength Carolyn, even if your body contradicts you. That's what people who know you see.
Hugs xx

Carolyn Cordon said...

Wow, thank you very much for this Allison. I think I'll have to spend a couple of hours playing with this great bit of feedback.
Hmm, shame I'm going out tonight and tomorrow. Saturday will have to be the day for revision.
You're a lovely help, sweetheart!

Carolyn Cordon said...

I've started editing this poem, and I'll post the result on this site maybe later today or tomorrow.
I'm still happy to get ideas on it, so please, leave a comment!

Carolyn Cordon said...

Well I've edited the poem, but I feel shy about putting it 'out there'. I'll leave it a bit longer.